That's It....
Of course, due to my own stupidity, I turned on the news and some kind of news talk show thing, Inside Edition. After seeing a piece on Tom Cruise, I think it's about time he just act and that's it, no public speaking, no nothing. Like a clapper, clap on clap off, it's Tom Cruise, clap clap! It's gotten to a point now where his ego has gotten so big, it's starting to eat itself. I understand he's a scientologist (say that three times fast without wanting to stab yourself in the eye for thinking about it), but at what point does he get to point out the flaws of others? Recently Brook Shields went through post-partem depression. With some of my friends I know alot about depression and what to expect. What I hate is that some bloated jack-ass who gets paid a goddamn gimmick load of money feels the need to spout at the mouth his opinion of what someone else is going through. "Ooo, check me out, I can opinionize because I'm in love and richer than you." Well, fuck that jack and fuck him. I could give a fat babys dick about what the fuck Tom Cruise thinks of someone taking anti-depression medication to cure....here it comes...DEPRESSION. Listen up fucktard, no one gives a shit that you're a scientologist, and maybe so, Brook Shields should take vitamins, hell, I should take vitamins but that doesn't change that fact that your ego-retared ass has to input his opinion wherever you deam worthy. Fuck that.
Which reminds me of something else that I'm pissed off about. I was wondering through this great thing called the internet, and wondered into a chatroom. Lo and behold there was a religious freak in there bitching about something. And that something is, you guessed it...GOD. Now, I think that whatever you want to believe in is your own business, what I can't stand is these water-headed retards who basically say "I'm right, you're wrong, and you're going to hell." Well, fuck you too. I'm putting out all over tonight jack. Again, I don't care what you believe in as long as you keep it to yourself. Leave me out of it. I'm not going anywhere. Once you religious fucktards pass away, I will still be here, dancing naked like a wild ingine around a gigantic fire on your grave, so piss off.
Next, this whole, Central Booking Beating. Look people, you're in jail for a reason. If you start fucking with the guards, (you know guards right, the people with the guns and tasers and the knows and hows to put your ass in the land of bright colors and out of body experiences?) I don't think they would laugh and start a tickle fight. If they tell you to go to your cell, it's not like home where you can mouth off and all you get is a tongue lashing, you will get hurt. It's not rocket science honestly, if they have a gun and you don't, there is more of them than you, you will lose. Nuff said.
I know it's been a while since I posted and to be honest, haven't had a lot to say. I'm no longer going to bore you all with my women problems unless the moment moves me to it. So there you have it, all you're left with, is my ranting. Hooray.
Fear...
So I just finished watching the season finale of CSI: and I have to say I'm still a little creeped out. If you've watched it you know, and if you havent I'll tell you this much, it winds up with someone getting buried alive. I have to tell you, being buried, lack of oxygen, suffocation, scare the shit out of me. Let alone, the fact that being buried alive involves small spaces (I have a touch of claustrophobia). Running out of air + small enclosure = no good.
Fear is a deadly and powerful foe. It's almost like a leach, attaching itself to your reality and warping it so the focus is undetermined. Speaking of warping reality, I went to see the new Star Wars movie and I have to say, I like it a hell of a lot better then the ones that preceded it, except for of course, episode 4,5, and 6. I enjoyed the story that inexcerably leads up to the creation of the Darth Vader as we know him now. It's just amazing how, from the story aspect, one can go into such disarray and confusion and do something that can totaly change the outcome of their lives. I got to say, it's something sometimes I can relate to. I think many can, but sometimes you just know, you have that feeling of confusion, and loss, like you've been walking through the same town over and over again and not knowing it. You get that de ja vu blanket and it frustrates the hell out of you. You think you've done the right thing, but is it really what should have been done, or is there no turning back? Fear, man, comes with a hefty price, like a home with no windows.
Restless....
Lately, I've had this restless feeling, kind of like something needs to happen or will happen, or is about to happen. I feel almost like I'm about to jump out of my skin. This happens quite often in the past couple of years. I'm not really sure where it's coming from, but I'm hoping it goes away soon. I sometimes feel like I'm constantly falling, like the ground has broken away underneath me and I can't get my footing. It's a hopeless feeling and I just have to fight almost to stave it off. I suppose things could be worse, I'm not homeless or on drugs, but, it's this constant, almost looking-over-my-shoulder kind of thing. Then again, maybe I just need to get out of the house. If I had the means, I would move out, be at my own place. I think part of this whole unsettled thing is a need to spread out in my own space. This is not a whine, I don't want to come off as a complete whiner, but I am definetly ready (besides the means of course) to be out on my own.
I can't tell exactly what's going to happen, or when, or why, but something is definetly going to go down. I'm usually not wrong, but then again, they say go with what the little voice in your head tells you and my voice is an idiot. I said it once and I'll return to the subject, I guess maybe because I'm still single is one of the answers to my restlessness. I've got that void like something should be next to me, like I'm missing a vital or maybe just comforting person to hook my train to. Maybe I just need to perge myself of such clingy feelings, return to the way I used to be, able to handle my own, able to be alone with my thoughts. Maybe I'm just talking shit and none of this will apply tomorrow when my eyes open. Maybe.
I often fear the thoughts in my head will consume me. I often try to focus and just block out things just to relax during the day to feel somewhat normal. I can't say that I'm depressed, but I have this roladex of random thoughts that pass through my minds eye. The only thing I feel like I can do about it is to just relax and focus on something else before these random thoughts destroy whats left of my sanity. Sounds creepy doesn't it? But I digress to the point where I need to at least share this here, to empty out what thoughts are stored up, like perging a septic tank. Again, I could just be talking shit, who knows.
Law and Order...
One of my favorite shows is Law and Order. Actually, all the brands under the Law and Order are decent shows. The one I watched tonight struck a particular chord with me. As everyone knows, I'm not that big into religion. Personally, I don't care what you believe in, that's a decision left up to a particular person and that's all there is to it. However, during this episode religion is called into play and is actually used as a defense to murder. Yea, that's right, if you watched it then you know what I'm talking about. Now, like I said, whatever you believe in is what you believe in and I respect that as such. But, to even entertain the notion, assuming that this is a real motion (at this point I'm not going to expend the energy to look it up), assuming, this is a real motion, to entertain the notion that just because you have been "born-again" should exclude you from being tried for murder is ..wrong. That would mean that any religion should be considered when a crime is commited. It would also mean that people who, say, lynch black men in the south could just say they did it in the name of God and would have a justifyable defense, or that some religions that used human sacrifices could, in theory, be cleared of their crimes due to religious practices. No, these people should be held responsible for those crimes and I'm glad justice was found and that the man was put away. I know it's fictitous, but religion has been somewhat of a hot button for me.
And now, back to the news, something that keeps me on my toes everyday. There was a piece on cnn.com about a convict recently released from prison for parole violation who went a murdered his daughter and her friend. Apparently this man lost his temper with the child when she wouldn't come home when he asked and stabbed the girl some 17 times including in both eyes. Oh and I forgot to mention one of the violations of his parole was missing anger management classes. If this guy doesn't scream parent of the year I don't know what does. What the fuck does it take to start sterilizing people? The man looked like at a moments noticed he would go chernobyl on somone, anyone. Unfortunately, it turned out to be his daughter and her friend. No one thought maybe this guy shouldn't be allowed to see his daughter so frequently giving his past discresions, but hey parental rights still are in play. I just hope the next time they let this freakshow out, they take away the pointy things.
Another topic, (last one, I promise, I'm goin to bed after this), but the cops who were busted shaking down drug dealers. Hooray for them for shaking down drug dealers, boo on them for trying to sell it. Come on guys, you're a cop, maybe a good one, maybe a crooked one, what makes you think "I could get away with this"? Ok, besides the fact that you are the law and what you say could be more believable than something some crackhead says, but still. With everything that has been happening inside the Baltimore Police Department, corruption inside at the highest level only has a trickle down effect. I've said it on the job before, your employees are only as good as the management who leads them. I'm glad they got caught. Fuck 'em. If they knew better, they would have went somewhere else to sell the drugs, oh yea ,and might have been better if THEY DIDN'T USE THE FUCKING COP CAR!! I don't know about you, but if that's not obvious, I don't know what is. Maybe I'm just not seeing it.
House of Cheese...
So today I went with my friend to see House of Wax. Where to start, where to start. It begins out simple enough, bunch of friends going to Lousiana for a football game. Then, of course, (pay attention, here's where it gets fun) they get sidetracked and wind up camping in some secluded area of Nowhere, USA. Some stranger comes along and shakes things up and then, one of the cars breaks down. Hmm, didn't see that coming at all. This stranger turns out to be part of the tandum that starts reaking havok on the youngsters. And by the way, who told Paris Hilton she could act? Someone should have just said.. NO. Apparently, no matter how low-budget a movie can be, anyone can hook their wagon to it. Don't get me wrong, she is hot and so is this Elisha Cuthbert kid, but come on, honestly, No. I like a good panty-runnin chic as much as the next guy. Filled with implausible plot lines and crazy and half-naked characters, this movie was a decent matinee. Scared me a couple of times, but that's what scary movies are meant to do. Other than the feakin idiot people at the theatre whom I would love go kung fu on, it was a nice warm afternoon. By the way, the cutting of the achilles tendon, such a harsh and awesome move, would definetly put a damper on someone's day.
Crash...
I am writing for the first time a little buzzed so I'm not really sure where this is going. So yesturday I go with my sister to see, Crash, this movie choc full of superstars. Brendan Frasier, Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Ryan Phillipe, and others co-star to bring this movie together. I say together because this movie was cut all to hell and brought together very well. All these little stories that didnt seem to make sense at all independently were connected seemlessly. What didn't make sense at all at the beginning was turned into clarity by the end.
One thing the movie touched on, was racism. Let me ask a question, when does a stereotype stop being a stereotype and start being reality? I know as well as most that black people are labeled a certain way , nigger, lazy, drug dealer, and white people are labeled just the same, cracker, lazy, drug dealer, trailor trash. But as soon as the stereotype-bluff is called and the actual truth is brought out, it stops being a label. For example, when a black man is labeled a thug or nigger, why is it so unfortunate for people, and yes people in general, to cross the street to avoid a possible confrontation? The confrontation may not even happen, but why is it frowned upon to take action to avoid such confrontation? Said black man may take it upon himself to cause a confrontation i.e. the movie Crash. There is a constant interaction everyday whether resulting negative or positive. People need to interact. It's a basic instinct for contact. But personally I don't care what someone does as long as my reaction is not called into play. I have a right to react the way that I do and will act accordingly. If I see someone, anyone, acting in a suspicious manner, I'm going to act accordingly. Contact.
Contact changes everything. Sometimes contact is all you need. Sometimes I crave human contact, usually with someone of the opposite sex, not saying that I'm a horndog, which sometimes I am, but just human contact. To be held, to know that the person you are with wants to be there, wants that same contact with you, is like nothing else. When that contact is lacking, or has lacked for quite some time as in my case, it's almost like a hole in your being. Longing for this contact almost fools me somtimes into thinking what is actually isn't. Somtimes you want something so bad, you trick yourself into believing what you want to avoid the truth. Freud once said, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar", and that may be more true than anything. The fantasy almost blinds me from what is actually in front of me and I constantly have to remind myself of what the reality of the situation is. This is all from a personal standpoint, I understand some people go through the same thing, but I am puting this out for me. Again, therapy, works wonders just to have the words out of my head for a change. Sitting on them and having them repeat constantly is definetly a shortfall.
Getting back to the subject at hand, I can't say I'll be alone forever, it's always been a fear. Not separtion anxiety because I personally can be alone, I can stand my one thoughts and seclusion, but not only having to contact but the option is satisfying. I mean right now, I don't necessarily have the option of sharing contact, but that will change. But I say this because I'm hungry, not needy, but hungry for this contact, for someone to need me as much as I need that other person. Maybe this is all bullshit and I'm sounding like I'm whining because I'm not with someone, but then again, I'm writing and you're reading. Ironic isn't it, you could have just stopped at the movie review, victims, aren't we all?
Pet Pieves...
I want to talk about something (just one thing in a long list) that pisses me off, the news. I enjoy being updated on things going on in the planet, however, when those things disrupt my daily life, I tend to take offense. For example, there was a piece a couple of days ago about the security of our food supply. I really want to know, what is it about journalists that wish to threaten the sanctity of what's already there. Personally, I can not do anything to secure what's being brought into the country, I am not a major player in any high-ranking position to prevent this, so I ask, "Is this all a ploy to unsettle the everyday man?" and I answer, probably. It's good to bring these things to light, but shouldnt these be brought through proper channels before slamming it on nationwide networks? Maybe these topics have been and I'm ranting for no particular reason but to hear myself, but I often wonder, I know we are never completely safe, but it's nice to have the illusion.
Now in other news, the whole Micheal Jackson thing. Johnny Cochran (R.I.P.) would have loved to been on board for this. New slogans all around "If the dick don't fit, you must aquit!" Simple allegations are made everyday i.e. the Maurice Blackwell case, and that was tried and resolved. Jackson pretty much admitted to it, but since he's some kind of "pop star" there must be preferential treatment. Hell no, the guys a creepy Skeletor-looking mofo pederass and needs to be treated as such. I don't care how many albums he has out, he said point blank "Whats wrong with sharing your bed with kids?" Well, maybe not much when they're young and YOURS! If you have someone else's kid over your house and you sleep with them, been accused of pederassin in the past but continue to have them over, that is a clear sign that you may be a pedephile. Congradulations, here's your sign.
Last but not least, and by last I mean I don't feel like typing anymore, the runaway bride. Is it possible this big eyed nasty looking broad couldn't simply say, No? I don't know about the rest of you, but when I don't want to do something, go to the movies, ride a bike, get married, I say No. It's simple really, two letters that when combined make for one powerful word. N O. Wow, that felt good. "He baby want to get married?, NO". Simple. I must say though, it was quite ingenius for her to come up with this whole elaborate plan to fake a kidnapping, planting evidence, leading the police on. Oh but that's right, she was scared. Boo hoo. And the husband still plans to go back to her, if two people deserve to be together more, I'd like to see it. I just hope they don't spawn.
Whats the matter with him?
I have to admit, now that I have this blogger thing, it's very theraputic. Don't get me wrong, I love having my friends to talk to every now and then, but I feel almost satiated by the fact that 1) I don't have to actually open my mouth to illustrate a point and 2) I have no feeling of being analyzed by anyone. Don't be offended friends, it's not a personal attack on anyone and if I wish to spread my word by mouth, trust me, someone will get the call. But I feel like weights are being lifted when I can get the chance to put my thoughts out on paper, or in this case, web page. I've never been one to out and out blurt out my innermost unless maybe I've had a few. But now I have an outlet. I am on the net and have the ability now to share my words with all of you. I just want you to know, that not all, but more than most may be depressing. It's the nature of the beast so you're going to have to deal with it as much as I will.
Looking back......
Now that I have the time to exam things more closely, I've had the oppurtunity to look at some things in the past that I've done. I won't go into exacts because I don't want to bore anyone. But don't you wish sometimes, there was a time in the past where you could go back and change something? Maybe something you said or something you did, or maybe something you didn't do and maybe wish you could have done? I know I've told people this before, so if I have, then please, only read on if you care. There's just always been some kind of nagging feeling, that if I did something at an exact moment in time, time it just right, that maybe my life would be different. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to sound like I'm sulking, or longing for the past, it's just something I've been thinking about recently.
Maybe perhaps it's not about longing for the past, wanting to actually turn back the hands of time to be back in the situation to do something about it now that I have forthought. Maybe it's more about forgiveness. Forgiveness of myself for making the decisions I've already made, forgiveness of having to deal with the consequences of those decisions, and to recieve the forgiveness of those either hurt by those decisions. And again, don't get me wrong, I didn't kill, maim, destroy, or otherwise cause actually physical harm to anyone, this is more like, a spiritual release.
So I guess the whole point of my ramblings is more or less personal, for me alone to be able to move on. I guess the saying "No man is an island" is incredibly true. Decisions made not only reflect on the person making those decisions, but affects those around him. I just hope in time, I'll be able to let go and be able to know that my decisions will be more carefully thought of the next time I need to make one.
Random Rantings
Well, it's the second month of baseball season and it looks like the O's are doing damn well. I haven't been this excited for baseball in a long time. Anyone who knows me can see that I may not be the most active-looking gentleman, but I love the baseball. A few losses aren't going to let me down (unless Ponson is pitching, he's losing clought with me). Very exited about this season. Keep up the good job O's.
Now, for the past couple of weeks, I've been making some eighties cds. I've made three so far and am looking to go a little further, if you have any ideas on bands, drop 'em here.
