can you hear me now?

Bah humbug...

So this is Christmas and I for one have no holiday spirit. Maybe it's because I'm working all of the time it seems like I dont have time to see my own life flash before my eyes. So many things you don't really think about until it's too late and then when they do hit, you wish it could have been different. Unfortunately, you can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first. Another year is about to pass and I still have nothing to show for it. My friends are gettting married, people are moving forward and I am again in the perpetual field of blah. God damn it what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I in the position where I am the one giving, helping, striving to make things better but wind up getting screwed over in the end? If I have any advice for all out there, be aware, be aware of everything around you. Take nothing for granted and make sure you know what you're gettting into before it consumes you like a raging fire. I have been burned many a time and I guess there is no one to blame but myself. I put myself into these positions to basically tie myself down and hold myself back. I am going to put stock and faith in the fact the coming year will be different for me. I am going to try my damnedest to make sure I am the one in the drivers seat. Too many times I have put someone else first and paid the price for my own happiness. Well fuck that son, things will be different and I will be happy, if only for a short time, my life will be my own and I will not be in the position where someone else is getting my spotlight in my spot. Its too difficult to keep thinking its easy and I am the good guy by putting someone or something else at the top of the list. I want to work on my shit now, put me first, get my affairs in order. I'm not getting any younger and I feel like the things that I thought were happening were just pipe dreams. Things that were made in a fantasy to keep me satiated. Unfortunatley, its not so and the fantasy must end so the reality can begin. Welcome to the here and now. Its gonna be a fun ride......Merry fucking Christmas!

posted by jtothek @ 4:33 PM 1 comments

I want to thank you....

Sometimes, there are things that come about that make you think, what exactly is goin on? Like a fog that has lifted and the rain clouds are away. Its easy to take things for granted,things like material goods, friends, the weather. Day to day it just seems easy to not appreciate the things you have, the things you are, or the way you are. I know I have do this myself, I think we are all guilty of such a simple pleasure as instant gratification even if it is at the expense of another. Maybe its just the time of the year that's making me more reflective, but it just seems like maybe these things are happening more and more often. People don't really expect to be caught because obviously its subconscious. You dont realize you are doing taking advantage of someone, something, until its already happened. Then again my rant could just be senseless rambling. But what if all this is true and we live with blinders on to whats happening around us? Perhaps its just me and I'm the one with the blinders on, hoping things will turn out the way I want them if I do this or that. Pretending that life will unfold the way I want if I manipulate a situation to my advantage. I'm trying very hard to line my ducks in a row. Now that I'm getting older and priorities are changing, lights are starting to go off in my head about how I want life to proceed. If I can keep myself focused and on track, it might just work. I'm almost thirty and I feel this life passing by at an alarming speed. I don't know....

posted by jtothek @ 5:06 PM 0 comments