can you hear me now?

Do you see what I Saw...

2007-10-28T23:48:00.000-05:00

It's easy to take for granted the things we have. The morning air, a sunset, the feel of a womans skin. I decided to head to the movies tonight to watch Saw IV. It's easy to lose sight of whats important, whats not important, and what's really being said. Alot of people, and I know I'm guilty of it as well, don't take the time to just look around and notice whats going on right in front of them. Now, it was a movie and I realize how important the realization that it is indeed fiction, but even fiction has its basis in reality. So, if something catastrophic happened, like the loss of child during the later stages of pregnance, are so impacting as to change the entire "mode"of a human being, is that possible? Things do happen in life that impact us so much as to change the course of a persons life and with that one ripple, alter the lives of many others. I think that's what made this movie so poingnant. It's so complex that it's incredibly simple. The connection of characters instead of a whole new movie makes it easy to keep the tradition going, like Friday the 13th, or the Halloween series. The writer turned the script into a maze of intertwined subplots but eventually connected to one main person, Jigsaw. The name alone will be synonymous with creatures like Jason, Freddy, and Micheal Myers.
Besides my intense fear of heights, I have an intense fear of confined spaces. So if I fall out of a plane in a box, I'm pretty fucked on all accounts. But just the fact that someone would go to the extent to use that fear against you, use what terrorizes you the most, with the ultimate goal of showing you the error of your ways is even more disturbing. Just makes you think, keep an eye open...

No retreat, no surrender....

2007-08-01T20:05:00.000-05:00

I stood once on the edge of oblivion. Pushed over the edge and pulled to safety at the same time. I once looked into the abyss that encompassed everything around me. It was thick enough to push against. I once layed there leaning against the palpable sound that started off as a lamb and roared in my head like a freight train. Once I got up to dust myself off, I looked back out across my sea of random. Ghosts of the past and present washed up on the shores and looked at me with a puzzled frame of reference. Should I be able to see them? Or should they be able to see me? Look at you! All of you! What could possibly be here to see anymore? It's not a new song, but a familiar rhythm. Can't get the tune out of my head. Pounds on all four walls. The tiger dying to get out of its cage. It'll break free one day. Very soon. To pound out a different tune all its own. To run along the waters edge. To sound the trumpets of forever. The need to seek is heavy. I saw it once. I have lived it once. Far too long ago. The tides have changed. Waters higher now. Time to recede and show what lies beneath the waves. Until then I'll lie here. Painting no patterns on bare walls. I'll see her. All of her. Standing with a gaze that would frighten normal men. It seems her gaze captures what I've seen. Her stare changes the color around me. Once a color to block out the sun. Now I can't see. Just what I want to, what she wants me to see. What I think I'm able to see. Is it really seeing at all? Or just a perception? I felt the weight beneath me and layed there for a while. Opened my eyes and saw a face to look at. Warm and feeling to the touch. Solid. Real. I know she's there. I know she can see me. She just chooses not to.

I have tasted the fruit of the gods...

2007-07-23T17:39:00.000-05:00

So, here it is folks, the debut of the much fabled food review. This is actually sort of shotgun being that the restaurant I am about to critique is somewhat commercial. It's a place I ahad not planned on writing about just yet, but the thought of putting down on "paper" just what this place means to me filled me with the giddyness only a five year old should feel. I'm talking about The Original Steakhouse and Sports Theatre on Joppa Road. I have died and found my final resting place. Start the iv's and whatever drips and heart surgical procedures needed to keep the blood pumping through my red meat clogged arteries. The Original Steakhouse has a great atmosphere, with 6 by 8 foot big screens enclosing the bar. For someone with as much A.D.D. as I, that does not bode well. TOO. MUCH. SPORTS. Of course there is no such thing as I love to get highlights and ten screens helps oh so much. I suggest getting there early as it tends to get a wee bit packed. While your waiting for your seat, you can drool over the fantastic cuts of meat, filet minon, new york strip, sirloin, porterhouse,mmmm. Not to be outdone, there are other offerings of chicken and low carb fair. I personally suggest the porterhouse. Very tasty, seasonings are well portioned, very tender, not overpowering or tough. The sides are generous to get you almost to the point where you might think, "MM, maybe 20 oz. of meat may be a bit much", but then the hefty plate arrives and removes all doubt. Ceasar salad, yes please, red meat, indeed, beer, why not! It's definetly a typical guys type of joint, but who cares, if you love a good steak, hit it up. The bar is choc full of tasty brew, the restaurant is full of tasty grub, and to be a bit of a pig, the waitresses are easy on the eyes. I give it 10 grill marks up. Now go, fire one down, I'll wait....GO....NOW!

Time to Play Hetfield or Bin Laden!

2007-07-15T17:14:00.000-05:00

Metallica singer stopped at airport for 'Taliban' beard07/11/2007 2:00 PM, Yahoo! Musiccourtesy of NME.com Metallica frontman James Hetfield was stopped by security officials at London's Luton Airport for allegedly having a "Taliban-like" beard.
The band was on its way to perform at Live Earth on Saturday (July 7).
Hetfield was briefly questioned by airport officials until they realised who he was. No explanation was given for why he was stopped, but his bandmates speculated that it was due to his beard.
Meanwhile, Metallica's new album is due out in early 2008, with bassist Robertt Trujillo telling Blabbermouth: "There's a lot of everything, man. There's speed on this. There's a couple of tracks where you're gonna go, 'Wow!' and I know you're gonna like it because it has the flavor of the old. But it has this kind of groove and power behind it that I think is us today."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Plane ticket to Uk: $300

Gibson Explorer Pro guitar:$1159

Looking like you belong to a terroist group: Priceless

Back in the kitchen...

2007-07-05T16:22:00.000-05:00

Let me just say that as a baker I love cooking shows. I think even if I wasn't I'd still enjoy them just the same. The show that I'm really hooked on this summer is Hell's Kitchen and I've got to say, it's probably the best show I've seen in a while. It's very real, not in that geeky, I just want my face on tv reality whore show, but there's a goal, something real to win. Of course there's a monetary prize, and the chance to run your own restaurant, but that's the real prize. Someone's career, their life, can be created just by the showing what they can do in a high pressure, high stakes environment. I'm a huge proponent of being able to see what someone can do by how hard you can push them. Alot of people just go to work, do their job, go home, just waiting for the clock to tick five. But this type of work is not a typical job, there is so much more involvement in the actual process of creating the work for yourself. Not to mention the pride it produces when you see someone truly enjoying the fruits of that labor. I know I'm not a great baker, I'm a mediocre cook, but when I hear people telling me how good something is that I made, you always enjoy the compliment, but when you hear the comment days, or weeks later, that sense of accomplishment is something to relish.

In addition to Hells Kitchen, Gordon Ramsey, the head chef on Hells Kitchen, has a new show slated to start in the fall called Kitchen Nightmares. It's basically about Ramsey going into problem kitchens and putting the right pieces of the puzzle in their respective spots. Lazy cooks, bad waiters or dispondent owners are going to be put to the test, which I can't wait to see. There were a couple of places I've worked at where I wish I had the clout, time in, and renown to basically call all the shots and straighten bosses out.

Going along with the whole cooking tangent, I've been watching a great tv show in dvd called Kitchen Confidential. Now this shows been canceled for a long time, but just came out on dvd not too long ago and I think it's great. I really wish it wasn't canceled but it was pretty much a shock to the cast too. Anyway, the show was based on another renowned chef, Anthony Bourdain. This guy has traveled all over the globe and wrote many a cook book. The show was well put together and really conveyed the life a cook leads. The environment is totally made up of course, but it's still realistic and believable to see someone take great joy in their career.

And with that, when I get back from my vacation, I'm going to start a new column on this piece of shit. I'm going to go to a different restaurant, once a week, different places, different cuisine, and write a column critiquing the food. I love to eat, I love to go to new places, try new things, even if I don't wind up enjoying the food, or the place. But I'm the type of person to dive in with both hands, never been one to shy away from doing shit. So that's my plan for the upcoming summer and fall and so on. I hope whoever reads this and the other columns that I'll write or have written will enjoy whats to come and can take what I write to mind whenever they travel out.

..face is a map of the world....

2007-04-26T20:05:00.000-05:00

Yea I understand that most of the titles I use on my posts make absolutely no sense but they're mine so fuck off. With that said, I'm going to start bitching. I'm not quite sure what, how or why, but I've been feeling numb lately, like nothing has really gotten to me. My thoughts and feelings have felt drained away. Don't get me wrong, when I'm with my friends or at work I'm alright, it's when I'm alone is when I feel shut down. I'm not used to that. It's such an odd feeling like leaving your house and constantly feeling like you're forgetting something. I'm used to being very independent, very self sufficient. I feel very unsettled lately. I've probably said it before but something is going to happen very soon, just have that feeling. Not quite sure what it is, but I kind of have that gut feeling like something is going to happen. I know theres a wedding coming up that I'm involved in which I'm very excited about, but theres something more. Like a slap in the face.....

Have you ever had that feeling you were being watched?

2007-03-29T20:48:00.000-05:00

News
Scientists discover 'shadow person'
Monday, 25 September 2006
by Erica Harrison
Cosmos Online
A 'shadow person' might reside in our left temporoparietal junction.

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SYDNEY: Ever feel as though you're being followed? As if someone is behind you, shadowing your every move? It might be your ‘shadow person', created by unusual activity in a specific brain region, a new study shows.
The paper, published in the British journal Nature, describes the case of a 22-year-old woman with no history of psychiatric problems who was being evaluated for treatment of epilepsy. When a region of her brain called the left temporoparietal junction was electrically stimulated, the woman described encounters with a ‘shadow person' who mimicked her bodily movements.
"Electrical stimulation repeatedly produced a feeling of the presence of another person in her extra-personal space," said Olaf Blanke, co-author of the study conducted by a team of researchers from University Hospital in Geneva, Switzerland.
When the patient was lying down, stimulation of this brain region caused her to feel that someone was behind her. She described the person as young, of indeterminate sex, "a shadow who did not speak or move, and whose position beneath her back was identical to her own", according to the researchers.
When the patient sat up, leaned forward and clasped her knees, she felt that the figure was also sitting, embracing her in its arms - a feeling she described as "unpleasant".
During a language task, in which the seated patient held a card in her right hand, she described the person sitting next to her and trying to interfere with the task. "He wants to take the card … he doesn't want me to read," she said.
Because it was possible to induce the sensation repeatedly, and because the ‘shadow person' closely mimicked the patient's posture and movements, the researchers conclude that the patient was experiencing a perception of her own body.
"The strange sensation that somebody is nearby when no one is actually present has been described by psychiatric and neurological patients, as well as by healthy subjects," said Blanke. Until now, however, it was not understood how the illusion was triggered in the brain.
The temporoparietal junction is known to be involved in creating the concept of ‘self', and the distinction between ‘self' and ‘other'. According to the researchers, stimulation of this region interfered with the patient's ability to integrate information about her own body, leading to her experience of a ‘shadow person'.
Although the woman was aware of the similarity between her own movements and those of her doppelganger, she didn't recognise the experience as an illusion of her own body.
Similar shadowy encounters have been described by people with schizophrenia, as well as by healthy subjects, leading the researchers to believe that: "Our findings may be a step towards understanding the mechanisms behind psychiatric manifestations such as paranoia, persecution and alien control."

- Call it paranoia, but i don't quite think this is so far fetched.

We will fight in the shade....

2007-03-21T19:56:00.000-05:00

I opened the front door to greet the birth of the day. I stepped on the front porch and the welcome mat started screaming at me in a thick mexican accent. It pissed me off so I kicked it into the street. Japanese scavenger beetles quickly scarfed up the remains to make paper goods and malignant tumors to sell at the market, everybody needs to make a buck. I continued down the steps and proceeded to my axe wound of a car. Apparently I made her mad and she didn't want to take me anywhere. So she went back to bed. Fuck it, I'll walk. I started double-timing it down the street. Roving packs of police werewolves were patroling the streets just looking to start some shit. It's been a quiet a morning. Somewhere children were just waking up to head off to school, couples straining to rise for work. I hate it here.

I have people skills...

2007-01-31T21:26:00.000-05:00

My mutant power is the ability to make people uncomfortable...

Yea, i stole this...

2007-01-11T21:24:00.000-05:00

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.
Not as easy as you might think...

1. Where is your cell phone?:desk

2. boyfriend/girlfriend?:non existent.

3. Your hair?brown.

4. Your mother?downstairs.

5. Your father?:rock.

6. your favorite item?:bed.

7. Your dream last night?:incoherent.

8. Your favorite drink?whiskey.

9. Your dream car?chevelle.

10. The room you are in?mine.

11. Your ex?gone.

12. Your fear?always.

13. What do you want to be in 10 years?happy.

14. Who did you hang out with last night?:me.

15. What you're NOT?:content.

16. Muffins?:chocolate.

19. The last thing you did?:post.

20. What are you wearing?:shorts.

23. The last thing you ate?:popcorn.

24. Your life?:eh.

25. Your mood?impatient.

26. Your friends: great

27. What are you thinking about right now?time.

28. Your car?silver.

29. What are you doing at the moment?:thinking.

30. Your summer?:waiting.

32. What is on your tv?csi.

33. Yesterday?:exhausting.

34. Last time you cried?:ha.

35: School?huh?

Too close for comfort...

2007-01-11T20:52:00.000-05:00

I drove for what felt like forever. My destination was few and far between. My demon was in the back seat, smiling at me through broken teeth. It knashed at me with each passing lane. The spit set the grass on fire. An eternity wasnt long enough. Eventually she sat next to me. The car cruised faster than I thought. My feet pushed far into the floor until I felt the ground. My head on fire and the sun fell off the earth. She always liked when I talked, maybe it was my voice. The words split the car in half. I fell out the window the way she would talk to me, slow and incoherent. I hit the ground with a speed only the dust would feel. I was enveloped by the sound. When the noise stopped and I looked around the car was on fire. Two pieces split the road. I stood up but the legs underneath me were water. It rushed over my head and I started to drown. I only blame myself for what happened. Can't blame the demon. He saw what was going to happen. Knew it all along. I saw it myself but the blinders I had on cut out the light. When I took them off the light was too strong for me to handle and I lost it. I found what I thought I had been looking for, but then again, I was blind. I felt her hand against my face, or what felt like a hand. There were fingers. Finger nails. Sure, I had convinced myself it was her hand. Afterall, it smelled like her. I opened my eyes. Could only see so much. Maybe it was enough. I started to laugh. Demon didn't like that at all. He tore a hole in my chest. Memories escaped with prisoner speed. I could cry, but that would make him mad. The tear I did shed left a track mark down my face that filled with hate. I showed it my weakness and it nearly killed me. She knew that too. Latched on for the ride. I layed there for a while, motionless. My demon knew better. It wasn't over. Not for me. Certainly, not for him. Far too easy. It's not over. Maybe if I killed him first. He stuck his hand in my chest. Felt around. Unfortunately for him, he couldn't get it out. He was stuck with me. My last laugh. I may not have won, but I have him. Stuck to me in this black hole. I win. Not him. Maybe.

Through the slime and the mud....

2007-01-08T15:55:00.000-05:00

She was barely visible through the fog. Standing there, I could hardly see what was goin on. Was she walking away? I started chasing after her, but the glass under my feet cut deep. Eventually it broke away and I started falling hearing her laughter above me. I tumbled for an eternity before the sun broke through the clouds and the ground shot up and caught me. For a second, it made sense. I started running again. Eventually I caught up to the train. It can't beat me forever. I'll see it again. Once, maybe. I slipped off the caboose and my hand was severed. A bloody octopus slithered out and choked me. When I woke up, she was standing above me, crying. Steel rain poked holes in my head. As the air rushed in I could see she was laughing through the tears. The waves tossed me ashore. She wasn't there but the fog had risen to eye level. I ducked to get by. Apparently, this is where I live now.

Bah humbug...

2006-12-25T16:33:00.000-05:00

So this is Christmas and I for one have no holiday spirit. Maybe it's because I'm working all of the time it seems like I dont have time to see my own life flash before my eyes. So many things you don't really think about until it's too late and then when they do hit, you wish it could have been different. Unfortunately, you can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first. Another year is about to pass and I still have nothing to show for it. My friends are gettting married, people are moving forward and I am again in the perpetual field of blah. God damn it what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I in the position where I am the one giving, helping, striving to make things better but wind up getting screwed over in the end? If I have any advice for all out there, be aware, be aware of everything around you. Take nothing for granted and make sure you know what you're gettting into before it consumes you like a raging fire. I have been burned many a time and I guess there is no one to blame but myself. I put myself into these positions to basically tie myself down and hold myself back. I am going to put stock and faith in the fact the coming year will be different for me. I am going to try my damnedest to make sure I am the one in the drivers seat. Too many times I have put someone else first and paid the price for my own happiness. Well fuck that son, things will be different and I will be happy, if only for a short time, my life will be my own and I will not be in the position where someone else is getting my spotlight in my spot. Its too difficult to keep thinking its easy and I am the good guy by putting someone or something else at the top of the list. I want to work on my shit now, put me first, get my affairs in order. I'm not getting any younger and I feel like the things that I thought were happening were just pipe dreams. Things that were made in a fantasy to keep me satiated. Unfortunatley, its not so and the fantasy must end so the reality can begin. Welcome to the here and now. Its gonna be a fun ride......Merry fucking Christmas!

I want to thank you....

2006-12-20T17:06:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, there are things that come about that make you think, what exactly is goin on? Like a fog that has lifted and the rain clouds are away. Its easy to take things for granted,things like material goods, friends, the weather. Day to day it just seems easy to not appreciate the things you have, the things you are, or the way you are. I know I have do this myself, I think we are all guilty of such a simple pleasure as instant gratification even if it is at the expense of another. Maybe its just the time of the year that's making me more reflective, but it just seems like maybe these things are happening more and more often. People don't really expect to be caught because obviously its subconscious. You dont realize you are doing taking advantage of someone, something, until its already happened. Then again my rant could just be senseless rambling. But what if all this is true and we live with blinders on to whats happening around us? Perhaps its just me and I'm the one with the blinders on, hoping things will turn out the way I want them if I do this or that. Pretending that life will unfold the way I want if I manipulate a situation to my advantage. I'm trying very hard to line my ducks in a row. Now that I'm getting older and priorities are changing, lights are starting to go off in my head about how I want life to proceed. If I can keep myself focused and on track, it might just work. I'm almost thirty and I feel this life passing by at an alarming speed. I don't know....

The hills are alive with the monsters of time....

2006-11-25T23:35:00.000-05:00

My eyes decieve me, I must use my ears to navigate

I'm afraid to look too hard for I may not see the truth

Its stares at me like a child

I'm not quite sure what to make of it.

Is it possible to see without looking?

To know without acknowledgement?

I fear my sight will lead me in a direction I'm not ready to take.

My minds eye opens to see her standing before me

Arms inviting like the rays of the sun

My arms close around her and she disappears

Never like rays, only like fog

Not really here, never really gone

Like a familiar ghost

I drink in her scent of rememberance

The pain of reminders

Until I open my eyes to sleep again.

Somebodys gettin fucked with a condom full of broken glass....

2006-10-27T17:15:00.000-05:00

What the hell? What do I really have to do? When the fuck is it going to be my turn? What the hell am I doing wrong? Apparently everything. Someday the old me is going to come back, you know the old me, whiskey chugging, pissed off, punching horses me. I've been able to hold him off, but he's seeing whats been happening so far, and I got to tell you, he's un-fucking-happy. (I realize the fact that talking about myself in the third is not a good sign, so eat me.) But I'm telling you right now, shit is going to break, and it'll be soon folks. Maybe for the good of all mankind, but I'm tired of being the universe's bitch and not being able to work shit out for myself. Apparently me putting others first, is fucking putting me at the end of the pack. Well fuck that son. I thought I was moving in the right direction, I guess I was wrong.

They call Me Tater Salad.....

2006-09-23T17:45:00.000-05:00

So Friday, I had a hell of a day. I had a decent day of work on thursday leading into the weekend, friday, I went to see the Tater. By the way, anytime you get to see this guy, take it. It was a phenominal show. The clip I've posted appears to be from the show we were at. I believe the woman laughing quite loud is one of the girls we were with. Seats were great. Dude was on point. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. It felt really good to be free again to just have fun and laugh at other peoples adventures. Then my buddies and I went bar hopping winding up at a bar I never thought I'd actually set foot in, The Barn. It was pretty late, so the place wasn't that packed at all. I was a wee bit toasted by the end to the night. Man, what a night.

Like a thorn in my eye....

2006-09-08T20:51:00.000-05:00

If I could be an animal, I would probably be an eagle so I could soar above a world that's slowly tearing itself apart. I would fly so high that violence wouldnt touch me and I could see all the beauty that's still left to see. I would see things from a angle that no one person normally would take a view at.

If I could be anywhere, I would probably choose a beach somewhere in the Carribbean, lying in the sun next to someone I care about alot. Forgeting about all my cares, all my worries, relaxing with my toes in the sand, dreaming about a life less ordinary.

If I were somewhat of a better man, maybe I wouldnt have these kind of problems. Maybe what Im bitching about seems like a marble in the sea. Maybe I shouldn't worry so much about these things and just let my life unfold. A year has almost passed and I can honestly say that some of the things I've wanted to accomplish I have. Some things I can check off my metaphysical list. Not that some of these things need to be listed, as things happen everyday that may seem trivial to some, but may seem like the world to others.

If I would stop saying "if" and start doing maybe I could actually be content, not happy, I can't say people truly are happy, but it would be nice to be satiated with the fact that I'm where I'm at right now. And if you've been reading my posts, I'm sure I've bummed you out on more that one occasion, but, from an objective point of view, honestly, can it be that actually being miserable has somehow defined a part of who I am? I know, I know, the words in my head actually make me want to vomit. I hate seeing the words written out here, but really, is it possible, somehow, that some part of me is happy only when I'm actually unhappy? Isn't that some kind of oxymoron? How can you be happy becauseyour unhappy? Am I reading too far into this? Seeing something that really doesn't exist, but I sort of make it exist because this is how I think or feel? Is it a reality or just some sort of rubbish conjured from my head piece? Maybe I just watch far too many movies.....

inside your head...

2006-08-23T18:25:00.000-05:00

I've had this song in my head all day.

Hang on...

2006-08-23T18:16:00.000-05:00

I've seen the eyes of my enemy

You make believe

the dogs are barking inside my head

look through the glass

see the truth outside your door

mine eyes decieve me

she sees me just fine

i cant see at all

just for a second

its ended just this time

once more for the gang

i look through the glass

to see the enemy in my eyes

Just because....

2006-08-20T17:06:00.000-05:00

And its raining ice picks on your steel shores....

2006-08-14T15:38:00.000-05:00

Jump out of my skin to take a look around and the heat that makes me shiver

Run through the calendar days from the dogs at my feet

the sweat tears holes through my skin

seeing you again like a kid out in the rain

for the first time, the only time

i felt once more, maybe never again

steel walls cocoon all around

and i fall asleep again

the sun is shining....

2006-07-19T11:07:00.000-05:00

So, since my birthday has come and gone, I'm another step towards thirty and am still off the right track as far as my career goes. But I've been having a blast lately and have come to a realization. When I'm dead and gone, I don't want to have any regrets. Of course there are some things you just can't avoid, but I'm starting to cross things off of my list of shit that I want to do, not just for myself (i don't always think of myself), but for others as well. I'm starting to just do the things I want to do, just because, on the fly, off the cuff, spontaneously. And it is great. I feel like I've been asleep for the first twenty years of my life and am now waking to what I really should be doing and the goals I should be seeking. I'm looking forward to seeing what the rest of this ol' life has instore for me....

....for those about to breathe fire, we solute you....

2006-06-19T18:09:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I know it's been a while since my last post, and I was giddy, MY FAULT. I'm going to get to the meat and potatoes of this here post and start firing away. Check it out, have you ever had that feeling, like some people, co-workers, people you know, whomever, who keep you around for shit that you can do for them instead of, oh I don't know, who you actually fucking are? I, for one, am getting a little fucking tired of feeling like I'm sitting on the bench waiting for the coach to call me in. And it's funny how some people act nice in front of your face and right around and fuckin tear a piece of your ass out. Some people I have worked with, no names, no descriptions please, seem very nice on the outside until you reach the creamy center and all of a sudden, thats not nuget, but fiery death. God, sometimes I just want to drink gasoline so I can spit hot fire, I want to kick somebody in the kidneys, I want to fart just as someone opens their mouth, I want to hit someone with a frying pan the size of Texas..........aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Damn that felt good.

Now that I've pretty much spent my rage machine and freaked alot of you out, (it's ok, I'm really not like this in real life), on to more pressing issues. I've been thinking lately, that I'm tired of working for someone. I've been thinking alot about starting my own business, about turning this baking job into something that will actually make me some money. I'm tired of hating my job, I'm tired of going in and dealing with sorry ass fucking people too childish to get their heads out of their asses. So I guess the gist is that I don't want to work for someone, I want to work for myself, turn a business, sell it, then travel and do some radio work. I like music, I think I could make a good dj, plus I like the sound of my own voice.

Ha.....

2006-05-19T23:24:00.000-05:00

So, for the first time in a long time, I'm actually in a pretty good mood. I'm still buzzing, and generally, I'm feeling alright. It' been awhile since I've just been kind of laid back, let loose, just there. Don't get me wrong, all of my previous problems are there, but no I really don't care. It's all good though, Imma just do what I do , and take it from there.....

Not really sure what to say here.....

2006-04-07T20:39:00.000-05:00

So here I am, it's Friday night and I'm home...alone..again..., not saying that's a bad thing,being that I'm kinda tired and I do have to work tomorrow. You know, I've been thinking, there's some things at work that piss me off, but they feel so small in comparison to things that other people tell me. I feel almost like I'm shrinking when I explain my problems, and then someone tells me theirs. Almost like, I feel the things that are going on right now are only important to me, or like somehow working at this grocery store only feels like a job and not a career. I can't say with any certainty that I'll stay with the store, or in this career path. I am having fun to a point. I think some of the people make it that way, but sometimes the job seems almost, redundant and monotonous. I don't know. I mean summers rolling around, baseball seasons starting, I'm very excited about that and I just want to be able to enjoy my life. Maybe I'm focusing too much importance on the fact that I should be enjoying it now and not making preparations for my future. Then again, today, tomorrow, the next day could be the last day I get to open my eyes in the morning to piss and moan at the world. This is probably the first time in a long time that I've actually written this much, but it's all in the cabeza and it's got to come out somehow. I don't know, sometimes I just feel like the years keep rolling along and I get older, but it almost feels like the same year as it was last year. I feel like the same things are happening, go to work, come home, go to sleep, weekend drink. It's almost like I'm on this constant loop day to day. Kinda like Groundhog day with Bill Murray. But now it's almost like a lesser extent. Maybe I'm starting to be complacent with that fact that my life is at a standstill and all I have to do is just what I'm supposed to instead of actually living...wait scratch that. I really don't want to be complacent with that fact. When summer finally arrives (none of this roller coaster weather shit), I will feel more motivated to get off my ass and make a go of my real life. I feel like this is a veneer of what it's supposed to be. I just hope it's not too late to be who I'm supposed to be not just who I am. I mean, I like where I'm at with my friends, my family, but it's the other things, career, women, that somehow posses the biggest enigma I thought I would ever have in my life. Usually I have something in my head to end a post on, something that I think could be deep or make you think, or could just be plain depressing, but I got nothing. So, THAT'S MY MOMMA!

Brighter Days...

2006-04-04T22:06:00.000-05:00

So, at this point, I know lately I've been sounding like a nerd on the rag, but you've all had the bear with me at that point. Now, I'm looking forward. Maybe it was winter, I don't know. But Im looking forward to the warmer weather, looking forward to baseball season, im looking forward to swimming and bike riding. I'm just looking forward. And this blog has been somewhat, theraputic for me. It doenst really give me any advice, at least not the blog itself, more like the readers. So now that I'm conscience of my problems, I'm looking forward to finding ways of solving them....

MOTIVATION....

2006-03-12T19:53:00.000-05:00

I always liked this poster.

I am a robot...

2006-03-12T19:50:00.001-05:00

Apparently I would make a kick ass robot. Check it out
http://cyborg.namedecoder.com/

Just a little chunk...

2006-02-16T22:55:00.000-05:00

I often have this fear sometimes that when I get older and die, my life will not have any meaning to it. Not like, I'll be famous, write a book, direct a movie, or do anything like that. Just to the effect that people won't have even remembered my name. Like, "Remember John Kamits, he was a rude fucker, but damn he was good for a laugh." Instead I have this vision, a daydream of sorts, where people say "Remember that guy, can't remember what his name was, short dude with glasses, fat, baker guy sometimes?" And the dude or chic he's talkin to will say, "yea, I think so. Whatever happened to him?" and the dude will say, "I dont know." and that will be the end of the conversation. The worst thing is not feeling like you're even there. Maybe its because I'm drunk right now I'm having these reflections but still, what if...

Fuck....

2006-02-14T17:02:00.000-05:00

God damn it...sonofabitch..shit..fuck..fuck..pissbucket..shitty piehole..fuck....

fuck...

quiz

2006-02-12T21:28:00.000-05:00

I took this personality test I found on Erin's website...like to hear it, here it go.....

The Picto-Personality Test

You are a person who is incredibly tranquil and values peace above all else.

When alone, you appreciate being able to do nothing if you want to, and setting your own pace for things.

You are intelligent. You use your time to its fullest potential and will go very far in life.

In the future you will be highly imaginative and a creator.

Take this Test at QuizGalaxy.com

No real title comes to mind for this post....

2005-12-11T15:44:00.000-05:00

So last night was party night. It's been a while since I've had to chance to just let go and actually enjoy myself. It seems lately that I feel like I work more than anything else. Maybe because I don't enjoy a steady schedule, I don't know. But last night was definetly needed to recharge the batteries. I'm actually looking forward to the new year. I guess just looking forward to starting over. Unfortunatly, that always seems to be the case. Maybe next year will hold something else for me, who knows. Just know, I need to make some changes, hopefully with the idea of moving out, that'll motivate me enough to get something done. Until then, I 'ma just make it do what it do....

Happy Thanksgiving...

2005-11-26T20:56:00.000-05:00

Well another Thanksgiving has come and gone and I again have engorged myself on very tasty turkey, ham and other stuff that I shoveled into my glutonous mouth. I was quite happy to wear my eating pants and gain some more weight that I sorely need more of. This year has gone by far too quickley, or maybe I just havent been paying much attention. My only concern now is make it out of here in one piece.

"Step 1: Get underpants, step 2:....step 3: take over the world"

Sometimes...

2005-10-31T20:09:00.000-05:00

"My road it may be lonely, just because it's not paved, it's good for drifting, drifting, away."

Because Germans are fun.....

2005-10-19T15:25:00.000-05:00

Dogshit Eco-Cement
Filed under:
researchmaterial— warrenellis @ 2:25 pm
A German architect has filed an application for a new type of cement made of dog poo.

Friedrich Lentze, 57, from Berlin, applied for a patent for his “odourless heating and building material” made from the dog poo cleaned from the streets of the German capital every day.
He said: “They thought I was joking at first, but it makes economic sense as the stuff has to be collected anyway, so why not use it for something useful. The loads of dog poo that are gathered every day actually make a great mortar with fantastic insulating properties.”
He added that dung had for centuries been used as building material and he had combined it with modern materials to come up with a new type of insulating cement.

Same Old Song And Dance......

2005-09-20T10:27:00.000-05:00

So I know it's been a while since my last post, and I can't say much has changed. I actually feel almost like I'm reverting to a couple of months ago. I feel like my wheels are spinning again. I feel like at any second I'm going to jump out of my skin. I feel like someone is going to say something and I'm going to level the whole town. I feel a million eyes judging my every move. I feel like my future is uncertain. I feel like my head is going to explode. I feel like at if I'm not in control of myself and conscious about that that I'll just go mad.

I hope these things will be corrected soon. I hope someday I'll find what it is I'm looking for. I hope one day my future will be as bright as it is outside my window. I hope this restlessness will easy very soon. I hope one day these feelings of inadequacy will leave me be. I hope when I look into someone's eyes, I won't feel as if they are staring directly into my mind. As winter is upon us, I hope things will turn around. I hope....

Low Light

2005-08-18T18:57:00.000-05:00

clouds roll by...reeling is what they say...is it just my way?..wind blows by..low light..sidetracked..low light..can't see my treack...your scent-way back..can i be here alone?..clear a path to my home...blood runs dry..books and jealosy tell me wrong..all i feel...calm...wimnd rolls by.. low light..car crash..low light..can't wear my mask..yor firest, my last...voice tells why..two birds is what they'll see..getting lost upon their way..clouds roll by..low..light..eye sight..low light. i don't need the light..i'll find my way from wrong. what's real. our dream i see.
Low Light- Pearl Jam

---------------------------------------------------
just sayin' its a good song.

Hell's Kitchen..

2005-08-01T21:08:00.000-05:00

I just witnessed probably one of the best shows bar none, on television..Hell's Kitchen. Now I know what you're going to say, "Dude's a baker, of course he's going to love this show." Well yes and yes. I am a baker, I work in a kitchen, and I love this show. But it's more about the food, and the kitchen. It's more about the money and fame. It's about knowing your lot in life, knowing your strengths and playing up to them, knowing how what you do will effect other people. Probably the best thing about this is that there is someone that stood behind these "contestants" on the show. I say contestants because, it is a reality show, it is a game show, but it is so much more. Hell's Kitchen brings out the best and worst of who's who and shows America and everyone in the kitchen exactly who they are and what they are made of. It's comforting to know that somewhere there is a place where you are the most comfortable, the place where your strengths are used to their utmost ability, the place where you are in absolute control. I know I haven't posted in a while, I have been in a sort of quiet reflection. But I just can't say enough good things about this show and now that it's over, I'm almost sad. When I first saw the preview commercials, I thought, "This guys an asshole, there's no way I would ever work for this guy." But, it's amazing, the people you give the least credit to, will wind up surprising you in the most extravigant of ways.

Here we go again...

2005-07-13T12:27:00.000-05:00

So, here I am, tomorrow is my birthday and I'm not really sure how to feel about that just yet. I'll be twenty-six and now I'm just starting how to get things together. I'll be moving out of the house soon, I've got a pretty decent job right now and I don't want to reck that too soon. I feel like I'm actually in a position right now where I can do whatever I want as in career decisions. Some people wait their entire lives trying to figure out what they want and where they want to go. I, personally, am tired of hearing my own voice bitching and complaining. It's time that I actually step up to the plate and hit that home run.

Speaking of homeruns, the all-star game was on last night, and it was fantastic. I think I may have wet myself I was so giddy. It's been a while since I actually felt excited about well, anything. Most games that come on tv I feel I can watch or don't. I was very intent on watching this game. My boy Tejada knocked one out of the park to put the A.L. right on top and keep them there. It was a good game. I was thinking to myself, the last really good all-star game I watching was in '99 maybe, with John Kruk and Randy Johnson. Long time ago, I know, but it was quite entertaining, Kruk getting almost beaned in the head by a Johnson fastball and switching from left to right side of the plate in mid-bat. That was a good game. Now, it's all about money and just winning, not about the game. Time was it was all in good fun, the times they are a changing. God that sucks.

Anyway, Imma stay positive at this point, get more excited and rock out with my kodak out. Time to get my shit together and get it going. I have a good feeling about this and I'm usually right with my instinct. So there you go, good times.... To be continued.....

Here today....

2005-06-28T15:05:00.000-05:00

So, I've been thinking lately, not that that's a surprise. I'm thinking of setting some goals and trying to stick to them. Among these goals is to get a degree, get a kick ass job, don't get me wrong, I can get a job, just not one that will pay well and what I would need to make it on my own. Just a thought....

Just a message.....

2005-06-16T19:26:00.000-05:00

Well, normally I write something here when something is bothering me past the ability to speak. Unfortunatly, my mind seems to bring me back around to the same subjects, thoughts, actions,...almost like de ja vu. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm reliving the same things. Days just seem to be the same, I guess because it just seems like all I do is the same old same old. Apparently, I cannot give up the past. I'm not really sure how I can, because, to be honest, I really need to. I'm glad that I can actually say that. So I guess what I need to do, is start switching up my routine. If I can do that, maybe I can break out of this rut. I don't like to sound like I'm depressing, it just comes out that way. Sometimes I wonder, if things will change, and if they do, will they be for the better? Could be for the worse for all I know, or possibly not change at all. I'm just getting this wheel-spinning feeling again. I had this one time a long time ago when I wasn't sure where my life was heading and how I was going to get there. I guess I'm almost still there, except now I'm willing to accept the fact that things are moving forward and I can actually change things if I want to. So now it's not so much the whys, but the hows.

King of Crap...

2005-06-13T21:48:00.000-05:00

So Michael Jacksons been aquitted of the charges put against him. Makes me wonder how many other pedephiles are going to use this case in their defense. "Well your honor, I didn't mean to be a pederass, but MJ did it, so I thought it was all good and well". Bear in mind that right now I may be a little drunk, as I have some time off so if I lose track, bear with me. Anyway, what has this country come to? Honestly, I gonna start sterilizing people and tell them it comes with a toaster or free set of ginzu knives to draw in numbers. If theres not a child getting fucked with , it's a child getting murdered. Like the the woman who left her kid in the basement because she was afraid the dog might eat him. Lo and behold, guess what, junior sandwich. It might very well be the greatest thing, her jack asss kid is dead , and she has to deal with that. Fantastic, congratulations, your now a vending machine for your dog.

Solitude....

2005-06-09T19:10:00.001-05:00

I have to be honest, my parents have gone away on vacation and right now, I can't say I'm happy , but, I'm more somewhat at peace just enjoying the solitude. I know I haven't posted in a while, that's because, haha, I have a job again. I think I feel somewhat accomplished, not really, it's not my home in the sense that I purchased it but in the sense that it's my home. I come home from work and can relax, have a beer, play with my dog, whatever. It's great, I 'm actually starting to think that I very may well be ready for my own place. It's very nice to make the call on who comes over and when, what I eat, when I eat, what to do or just not to do altogther. It's very satiating. Now on to the thing you come here most for, the ranting.

Ok, now, I'm starting to think that when I get the oppurtunity to get out of the country, I'm going to take it. It's become apparent that Bush has turned the country into basically a jock. Some dickhead who is quite insecure of himself and therefore needs to lash out and fix other things to make himself feel better. And it's not just Bush. All policiticians, state, federal and local level do just that. I saw the news today, bad call for me but good for you. It seems that money has been appropriated for security of predominatly jewish locations, houses of worship, schools and the like. Now don't take it wrong, I like the jewish person, my buddys fiance is jewish and that's alright with me. The problem I see and maybe because the stories ran back to back, Ehrlic has appropriated monies to these places, but seems almost laxidasical when it comes to the victims of two year old hurricane isabel. Some people are still living in trailors, makeshift homes and the like, and I think more can be done to help these people. I can't do anything myself, I mean look at me, I got my own shit to deal with. But I think, and I can't say I know what kind of claut the govenor has on the fed level, but more can be done to get these people the money needed from insurance companies in order to restore some kind of piece of mind.

Back to a concept I've blabbed about before, celebrities. Another reason besides politicians to move out of the country, is celebrities. I enjoy the fact that Russel Crowe threw a phone. I also enjoy the fact that he apologized on live television broadcasted all over the country. One thing I don't enjoy is this gnome of an actor named Tom Cruise. There was a time when I enjoyed a good Cruise flick, Minority Report, Mission Impossible, and yes the second one (gotta stick with the kinfolk, go Woo!). But now it's getting to the point where he really should get smacked on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. Eh, what do I know I guess, if he wasn't fuckin up left and right, I wouldn't have anything to gripe about. Crap.

That's It....

2005-05-24T18:43:00.000-05:00

Of course, due to my own stupidity, I turned on the news and some kind of news talk show thing, Inside Edition. After seeing a piece on Tom Cruise, I think it's about time he just act and that's it, no public speaking, no nothing. Like a clapper, clap on clap off, it's Tom Cruise, clap clap! It's gotten to a point now where his ego has gotten so big, it's starting to eat itself. I understand he's a scientologist (say that three times fast without wanting to stab yourself in the eye for thinking about it), but at what point does he get to point out the flaws of others? Recently Brook Shields went through post-partem depression. With some of my friends I know alot about depression and what to expect. What I hate is that some bloated jack-ass who gets paid a goddamn gimmick load of money feels the need to spout at the mouth his opinion of what someone else is going through. "Ooo, check me out, I can opinionize because I'm in love and richer than you." Well, fuck that jack and fuck him. I could give a fat babys dick about what the fuck Tom Cruise thinks of someone taking anti-depression medication to cure....here it comes...DEPRESSION. Listen up fucktard, no one gives a shit that you're a scientologist, and maybe so, Brook Shields should take vitamins, hell, I should take vitamins but that doesn't change that fact that your ego-retared ass has to input his opinion wherever you deam worthy. Fuck that.

Which reminds me of something else that I'm pissed off about. I was wondering through this great thing called the internet, and wondered into a chatroom. Lo and behold there was a religious freak in there bitching about something. And that something is, you guessed it...GOD. Now, I think that whatever you want to believe in is your own business, what I can't stand is these water-headed retards who basically say "I'm right, you're wrong, and you're going to hell." Well, fuck you too. I'm putting out all over tonight jack. Again, I don't care what you believe in as long as you keep it to yourself. Leave me out of it. I'm not going anywhere. Once you religious fucktards pass away, I will still be here, dancing naked like a wild ingine around a gigantic fire on your grave, so piss off.

Next, this whole, Central Booking Beating. Look people, you're in jail for a reason. If you start fucking with the guards, (you know guards right, the people with the guns and tasers and the knows and hows to put your ass in the land of bright colors and out of body experiences?) I don't think they would laugh and start a tickle fight. If they tell you to go to your cell, it's not like home where you can mouth off and all you get is a tongue lashing, you will get hurt. It's not rocket science honestly, if they have a gun and you don't, there is more of them than you, you will lose. Nuff said.

I know it's been a while since I posted and to be honest, haven't had a lot to say. I'm no longer going to bore you all with my women problems unless the moment moves me to it. So there you have it, all you're left with, is my ranting. Hooray.

Fear...

2005-05-19T21:24:00.000-05:00

So I just finished watching the season finale of CSI: and I have to say I'm still a little creeped out. If you've watched it you know, and if you havent I'll tell you this much, it winds up with someone getting buried alive. I have to tell you, being buried, lack of oxygen, suffocation, scare the shit out of me. Let alone, the fact that being buried alive involves small spaces (I have a touch of claustrophobia). Running out of air + small enclosure = no good.

Fear is a deadly and powerful foe. It's almost like a leach, attaching itself to your reality and warping it so the focus is undetermined. Speaking of warping reality, I went to see the new Star Wars movie and I have to say, I like it a hell of a lot better then the ones that preceded it, except for of course, episode 4,5, and 6. I enjoyed the story that inexcerably leads up to the creation of the Darth Vader as we know him now. It's just amazing how, from the story aspect, one can go into such disarray and confusion and do something that can totaly change the outcome of their lives. I got to say, it's something sometimes I can relate to. I think many can, but sometimes you just know, you have that feeling of confusion, and loss, like you've been walking through the same town over and over again and not knowing it. You get that de ja vu blanket and it frustrates the hell out of you. You think you've done the right thing, but is it really what should have been done, or is there no turning back? Fear, man, comes with a hefty price, like a home with no windows.

Restless....

2005-05-16T23:23:00.000-05:00

Lately, I've had this restless feeling, kind of like something needs to happen or will happen, or is about to happen. I feel almost like I'm about to jump out of my skin. This happens quite often in the past couple of years. I'm not really sure where it's coming from, but I'm hoping it goes away soon. I sometimes feel like I'm constantly falling, like the ground has broken away underneath me and I can't get my footing. It's a hopeless feeling and I just have to fight almost to stave it off. I suppose things could be worse, I'm not homeless or on drugs, but, it's this constant, almost looking-over-my-shoulder kind of thing. Then again, maybe I just need to get out of the house. If I had the means, I would move out, be at my own place. I think part of this whole unsettled thing is a need to spread out in my own space. This is not a whine, I don't want to come off as a complete whiner, but I am definetly ready (besides the means of course) to be out on my own.

I can't tell exactly what's going to happen, or when, or why, but something is definetly going to go down. I'm usually not wrong, but then again, they say go with what the little voice in your head tells you and my voice is an idiot. I said it once and I'll return to the subject, I guess maybe because I'm still single is one of the answers to my restlessness. I've got that void like something should be next to me, like I'm missing a vital or maybe just comforting person to hook my train to. Maybe I just need to perge myself of such clingy feelings, return to the way I used to be, able to handle my own, able to be alone with my thoughts. Maybe I'm just talking shit and none of this will apply tomorrow when my eyes open. Maybe.

I often fear the thoughts in my head will consume me. I often try to focus and just block out things just to relax during the day to feel somewhat normal. I can't say that I'm depressed, but I have this roladex of random thoughts that pass through my minds eye. The only thing I feel like I can do about it is to just relax and focus on something else before these random thoughts destroy whats left of my sanity. Sounds creepy doesn't it? But I digress to the point where I need to at least share this here, to empty out what thoughts are stored up, like perging a septic tank. Again, I could just be talking shit, who knows.

Law and Order...

2005-05-12T15:33:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite shows is Law and Order. Actually, all the brands under the Law and Order are decent shows. The one I watched tonight struck a particular chord with me. As everyone knows, I'm not that big into religion. Personally, I don't care what you believe in, that's a decision left up to a particular person and that's all there is to it. However, during this episode religion is called into play and is actually used as a defense to murder. Yea, that's right, if you watched it then you know what I'm talking about. Now, like I said, whatever you believe in is what you believe in and I respect that as such. But, to even entertain the notion, assuming that this is a real motion (at this point I'm not going to expend the energy to look it up), assuming, this is a real motion, to entertain the notion that just because you have been "born-again" should exclude you from being tried for murder is ..wrong. That would mean that any religion should be considered when a crime is commited. It would also mean that people who, say, lynch black men in the south could just say they did it in the name of God and would have a justifyable defense, or that some religions that used human sacrifices could, in theory, be cleared of their crimes due to religious practices. No, these people should be held responsible for those crimes and I'm glad justice was found and that the man was put away. I know it's fictitous, but religion has been somewhat of a hot button for me.

And now, back to the news, something that keeps me on my toes everyday. There was a piece on cnn.com about a convict recently released from prison for parole violation who went a murdered his daughter and her friend. Apparently this man lost his temper with the child when she wouldn't come home when he asked and stabbed the girl some 17 times including in both eyes. Oh and I forgot to mention one of the violations of his parole was missing anger management classes. If this guy doesn't scream parent of the year I don't know what does. What the fuck does it take to start sterilizing people? The man looked like at a moments noticed he would go chernobyl on somone, anyone. Unfortunately, it turned out to be his daughter and her friend. No one thought maybe this guy shouldn't be allowed to see his daughter so frequently giving his past discresions, but hey parental rights still are in play. I just hope the next time they let this freakshow out, they take away the pointy things.

Another topic, (last one, I promise, I'm goin to bed after this), but the cops who were busted shaking down drug dealers. Hooray for them for shaking down drug dealers, boo on them for trying to sell it. Come on guys, you're a cop, maybe a good one, maybe a crooked one, what makes you think "I could get away with this"? Ok, besides the fact that you are the law and what you say could be more believable than something some crackhead says, but still. With everything that has been happening inside the Baltimore Police Department, corruption inside at the highest level only has a trickle down effect. I've said it on the job before, your employees are only as good as the management who leads them. I'm glad they got caught. Fuck 'em. If they knew better, they would have went somewhere else to sell the drugs, oh yea ,and might have been better if THEY DIDN'T USE THE FUCKING COP CAR!! I don't know about you, but if that's not obvious, I don't know what is. Maybe I'm just not seeing it.

House of Cheese...

2005-05-10T20:47:00.000-05:00

So today I went with my friend to see House of Wax. Where to start, where to start. It begins out simple enough, bunch of friends going to Lousiana for a football game. Then, of course, (pay attention, here's where it gets fun) they get sidetracked and wind up camping in some secluded area of Nowhere, USA. Some stranger comes along and shakes things up and then, one of the cars breaks down. Hmm, didn't see that coming at all. This stranger turns out to be part of the tandum that starts reaking havok on the youngsters. And by the way, who told Paris Hilton she could act? Someone should have just said.. NO. Apparently, no matter how low-budget a movie can be, anyone can hook their wagon to it. Don't get me wrong, she is hot and so is this Elisha Cuthbert kid, but come on, honestly, No. I like a good panty-runnin chic as much as the next guy. Filled with implausible plot lines and crazy and half-naked characters, this movie was a decent matinee. Scared me a couple of times, but that's what scary movies are meant to do. Other than the feakin idiot people at the theatre whom I would love go kung fu on, it was a nice warm afternoon. By the way, the cutting of the achilles tendon, such a harsh and awesome move, would definetly put a damper on someone's day.

Crash...

2005-05-08T04:40:00.000-05:00

I am writing for the first time a little buzzed so I'm not really sure where this is going. So yesturday I go with my sister to see, Crash, this movie choc full of superstars. Brendan Frasier, Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Ryan Phillipe, and others co-star to bring this movie together. I say together because this movie was cut all to hell and brought together very well. All these little stories that didnt seem to make sense at all independently were connected seemlessly. What didn't make sense at all at the beginning was turned into clarity by the end.

One thing the movie touched on, was racism. Let me ask a question, when does a stereotype stop being a stereotype and start being reality? I know as well as most that black people are labeled a certain way , nigger, lazy, drug dealer, and white people are labeled just the same, cracker, lazy, drug dealer, trailor trash. But as soon as the stereotype-bluff is called and the actual truth is brought out, it stops being a label. For example, when a black man is labeled a thug or nigger, why is it so unfortunate for people, and yes people in general, to cross the street to avoid a possible confrontation? The confrontation may not even happen, but why is it frowned upon to take action to avoid such confrontation? Said black man may take it upon himself to cause a confrontation i.e. the movie Crash. There is a constant interaction everyday whether resulting negative or positive. People need to interact. It's a basic instinct for contact. But personally I don't care what someone does as long as my reaction is not called into play. I have a right to react the way that I do and will act accordingly. If I see someone, anyone, acting in a suspicious manner, I'm going to act accordingly. Contact.

Contact changes everything. Sometimes contact is all you need. Sometimes I crave human contact, usually with someone of the opposite sex, not saying that I'm a horndog, which sometimes I am, but just human contact. To be held, to know that the person you are with wants to be there, wants that same contact with you, is like nothing else. When that contact is lacking, or has lacked for quite some time as in my case, it's almost like a hole in your being. Longing for this contact almost fools me somtimes into thinking what is actually isn't. Somtimes you want something so bad, you trick yourself into believing what you want to avoid the truth. Freud once said, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar", and that may be more true than anything. The fantasy almost blinds me from what is actually in front of me and I constantly have to remind myself of what the reality of the situation is. This is all from a personal standpoint, I understand some people go through the same thing, but I am puting this out for me. Again, therapy, works wonders just to have the words out of my head for a change. Sitting on them and having them repeat constantly is definetly a shortfall.
Getting back to the subject at hand, I can't say I'll be alone forever, it's always been a fear. Not separtion anxiety because I personally can be alone, I can stand my one thoughts and seclusion, but not only having to contact but the option is satisfying. I mean right now, I don't necessarily have the option of sharing contact, but that will change. But I say this because I'm hungry, not needy, but hungry for this contact, for someone to need me as much as I need that other person. Maybe this is all bullshit and I'm sounding like I'm whining because I'm not with someone, but then again, I'm writing and you're reading. Ironic isn't it, you could have just stopped at the movie review, victims, aren't we all?

Pet Pieves...

2005-05-04T13:44:00.000-05:00

I want to talk about something (just one thing in a long list) that pisses me off, the news. I enjoy being updated on things going on in the planet, however, when those things disrupt my daily life, I tend to take offense. For example, there was a piece a couple of days ago about the security of our food supply. I really want to know, what is it about journalists that wish to threaten the sanctity of what's already there. Personally, I can not do anything to secure what's being brought into the country, I am not a major player in any high-ranking position to prevent this, so I ask, "Is this all a ploy to unsettle the everyday man?" and I answer, probably. It's good to bring these things to light, but shouldnt these be brought through proper channels before slamming it on nationwide networks? Maybe these topics have been and I'm ranting for no particular reason but to hear myself, but I often wonder, I know we are never completely safe, but it's nice to have the illusion.

Now in other news, the whole Micheal Jackson thing. Johnny Cochran (R.I.P.) would have loved to been on board for this. New slogans all around "If the dick don't fit, you must aquit!" Simple allegations are made everyday i.e. the Maurice Blackwell case, and that was tried and resolved. Jackson pretty much admitted to it, but since he's some kind of "pop star" there must be preferential treatment. Hell no, the guys a creepy Skeletor-looking mofo pederass and needs to be treated as such. I don't care how many albums he has out, he said point blank "Whats wrong with sharing your bed with kids?" Well, maybe not much when they're young and YOURS! If you have someone else's kid over your house and you sleep with them, been accused of pederassin in the past but continue to have them over, that is a clear sign that you may be a pedephile. Congradulations, here's your sign.

Last but not least, and by last I mean I don't feel like typing anymore, the runaway bride. Is it possible this big eyed nasty looking broad couldn't simply say, No? I don't know about the rest of you, but when I don't want to do something, go to the movies, ride a bike, get married, I say No. It's simple really, two letters that when combined make for one powerful word. N O. Wow, that felt good. "He baby want to get married?, NO". Simple. I must say though, it was quite ingenius for her to come up with this whole elaborate plan to fake a kidnapping, planting evidence, leading the police on. Oh but that's right, she was scared. Boo hoo. And the husband still plans to go back to her, if two people deserve to be together more, I'd like to see it. I just hope they don't spawn.

Whats the matter with him?

2005-05-03T16:05:00.000-05:00

I have to admit, now that I have this blogger thing, it's very theraputic. Don't get me wrong, I love having my friends to talk to every now and then, but I feel almost satiated by the fact that 1) I don't have to actually open my mouth to illustrate a point and 2) I have no feeling of being analyzed by anyone. Don't be offended friends, it's not a personal attack on anyone and if I wish to spread my word by mouth, trust me, someone will get the call. But I feel like weights are being lifted when I can get the chance to put my thoughts out on paper, or in this case, web page. I've never been one to out and out blurt out my innermost unless maybe I've had a few. But now I have an outlet. I am on the net and have the ability now to share my words with all of you. I just want you to know, that not all, but more than most may be depressing. It's the nature of the beast so you're going to have to deal with it as much as I will.

Looking back......

2005-05-02T18:11:00.000-05:00

Now that I have the time to exam things more closely, I've had the oppurtunity to look at some things in the past that I've done. I won't go into exacts because I don't want to bore anyone. But don't you wish sometimes, there was a time in the past where you could go back and change something? Maybe something you said or something you did, or maybe something you didn't do and maybe wish you could have done? I know I've told people this before, so if I have, then please, only read on if you care. There's just always been some kind of nagging feeling, that if I did something at an exact moment in time, time it just right, that maybe my life would be different. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to sound like I'm sulking, or longing for the past, it's just something I've been thinking about recently.

Maybe perhaps it's not about longing for the past, wanting to actually turn back the hands of time to be back in the situation to do something about it now that I have forthought. Maybe it's more about forgiveness. Forgiveness of myself for making the decisions I've already made, forgiveness of having to deal with the consequences of those decisions, and to recieve the forgiveness of those either hurt by those decisions. And again, don't get me wrong, I didn't kill, maim, destroy, or otherwise cause actually physical harm to anyone, this is more like, a spiritual release.

So I guess the whole point of my ramblings is more or less personal, for me alone to be able to move on. I guess the saying "No man is an island" is incredibly true. Decisions made not only reflect on the person making those decisions, but affects those around him. I just hope in time, I'll be able to let go and be able to know that my decisions will be more carefully thought of the next time I need to make one.

Random Rantings

2005-05-02T02:16:00.000-05:00

Well, it's the second month of baseball season and it looks like the O's are doing damn well. I haven't been this excited for baseball in a long time. Anyone who knows me can see that I may not be the most active-looking gentleman, but I love the baseball. A few losses aren't going to let me down (unless Ponson is pitching, he's losing clought with me). Very exited about this season. Keep up the good job O's.

Now, for the past couple of weeks, I've been making some eighties cds. I've made three so far and am looking to go a little further, if you have any ideas on bands, drop 'em here.

I'm new here.

2005-04-29T21:03:00.000-05:00

Hey, kinda feels good to be a blogger. Yes this is my first posting on my brand new website. So sue me, I'm quite excited. Be aware, there will be several more postings after this one, some you may like, some you may hate, and others, you might just wonder what the hell? So be prepared, read first before sharing with those who might find things like a worm trying to get it on with a french fry offensive, and just have fun. 'Till next time kiddies, your faithful blogger.